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Teaching children to behave
by Tulip Chowdhury
‘Watch your manners!’ parents can often be heard to shout to the very child who almost everyday is imparted lessons on behaviour. Teaching children to behave is quite a challenging task for parents. There are times when a mother or a father is left in exasperation as lessons on behaviour goes unheeded and the child seems to be as rowdy as ever. The parents are often left confused as to how adamant they should be in their disciplinary measures. The child must be taught to behave as par excellence and at the same time must be made certain that the child never feels lost or unloved. Following are a few steps to help parents encourage acceptable behaviour from their children:
Focusing on the children’s strengths: A child naturally desires attention from the parents. However parents tend to pay more attention to their children when they misbehave. That only makes children misbehave more because this is how they can get attention they crave. A child ordinarily wants positive attention from the parents but if the negative attention is all he can get he will settle for that. To avoid this situation parents need to turn to children’s rather than to misbehaviour. When a child behaves well he or she should be rewarded with a praise, smile a hug or a pat on the shoulder just to indicate that he is appreciated. This process does wonder for a child’s behaviour. Picture for example a four year old boy and his mother on a visit to a neighbour’s house. The little boy sits with his mother quietly absorbed with the bunny he has in his hand. The mother does not pay attention to what his good behaviour. Yet when he leaves his place and starts running around the room she starts reminding him of his manners when they are on visits.
Build rapport with the child: Teach the child to trust you. Trust comes from levelling with him. For example if you say that an injection feels like a mosquito bite, but it feels more like the hornet’s sting the child may not trust your word about more important issues later on. Often conversations between parents and children aren’t conversations at all. ‘Sammie get your books off the floor!’ ‘ Didn’t I tell you to stay away from the T.V. in the afternoon?’ Such conversation consists of ‘Do’s’ and ‘Do not’s’, accusations and commands. They only keep the child at arm’s length. Telling stories is a good way to reach out to the child at his own level. Once the child feels that he can take you in his trust and communicates well he is more likely to listen to what he is told.
Rewarding good behaviour: Rewarding is a good way to speed up the process of learning. Set up goals for the child and when that goal is reached reward the child. For instance if he is always on time about getting ready for school for the whole week reward him with story books or toys or a trip to the toy park during the weekend. Rewards work best when the reinforcement is given immediately following the behaviour you want to encourage. At first the rewards should be fairly frequent, However very soon the child will need a reward only once in a while because he’ll have learned to good about doing well with the things he does everyday.
Striking a bargain: With older children one allow the child to have a say about what particular thing he’ll do to get a particular reward. When the child has been involved in the decision- making and feels that the agreement benefits him, he is more like to put in all his efforts. This way un-necessary arguments can be avoided since the participants have agreed on the terms. One thing that should be made sure is that the reward is given after the child has kept his part of the bargain.
Draw the line when there is trouble: When a child is being really disruptive, draw the line and send him to his room. Breaking things or hitting other children, specify which part of his behaviour is not acceptable. If he refuses to go to his room as children often do, escort him there. If he complains and whines ignore him. Once a child becomes accustomed to the firm rule he generally accepts the inevitability of it and gradually you should see decrease in disruptive behaviour.
Don’t set the scene for problems: There are times when we don’t remove fragile items from a toddler’s reach but become incensed if they are broken. Prepare ahead of periods when your child is likely to be tired or complaining. The late afternoon period of high stress and low energy tend to have parents and children react to one another. You can help the child cope by healthful snacks, suggesting quiet activity and giving reinforcements for behaving well.
If the children have trouble in being with one another let them stay in separate places. Respect each child’s need for privacy. If they share a room use a room divider. When setting out on a trip come with ways break the monotony. Bring toys and tape recorders, create a visual or word games to turn the drive into an adventure.
Facilitate communication of feelings: According to a psychologist a most efficacious form discipline is to teach children to communicate their feelings, both positive and negative, so they won’t bottle up inside. Children often hold in their anger because they are afraid that their parents will stop loving them. The most effective method of helping children to get in touch with their feelings is called feedback. There are three simple steps: 1 Listen carefully. 2. Try to understand what the child is feeling. 3 Feed back, in your words the feelings you’ve heard expressed, making sure you are derstood what your child meant. A child needs to know that you are willing to look at the problem from his perspective and to take his feelings seriously. A child who feels that his opinion is valuable is more likely to value what he hears from others.
Lastly, when parents tune in to their children’s strengths rather than to misbehaviour, children respond positively and when a child’s behaviour improves the parent tends to enjoy the child more and wonderful parent- child relationship is on the way.
Acknowledgement: Written with help from: Fitzhugh Dodson. ‘How to Teach Children to Behave.’ Reader’s Digest; August 22-26, 1989
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